Dear Gigi,

I found your articles and find them informative and helpful. I also wanted a woman's perspective on a problem me I’m having -- being a guy. I would love to have sex all the time. I get a lot out of it, more than just physical pleasure.

My partner constantly tells me I’m being unrealistic, but I'm just asking for twice a week.

I feel if something is important enough you make time for it. She always tells me it's a guy thing and starts to give excuses why we can't. And throws the whole, “It's just a physical” thing in my face. I tell her she's The One and I want to have sex with no one else. How can I get her more into it and maybe have her start to initiate things.

Thanks,

C

Hi C,

Thanks so much for your letter. I know a lot of people are struggling with your exact same problem. Differing sex drives are a constant struggle in long-term relationships. Navigating that terrain is complicated and often causes emotional stress.

So, I appreciate your having the courage to write in and ask for guidance. We put a lot of pressure on sex drive. We say, as your girlfriend told you, that women have lower sex drives and men have higher sex drives. This is complete bullshit. Libido is a human issue, not a gender issue.

Everyone has a different libido. Rarely do couples perfectly align in this respect. Expecting everyone to want sex the same amount isn’t realistic. Twice a week is a relatively standard ask in a relationship. There is no quantifiable way to determine what is the “right amount” of sex you should be having, but what does matter is if you’re satisfied.

You’ve tried communicating, which is an important step in getting things to where you want them to be. Clearly those attempts have been so far unsuccessful.

The best way to get her to want to have more sex is to make sex more enjoyable for her. My guess here is that she isn’t orgasming. This is a big deterrent when it comes to wanting to engage in sex. I think this is where the myth that women are less horny than dudes comes into play. 80% of guys orgasm during sex, whereas without clitoral stimulation, only 1 in 3 women have an orgasm during sex alone.

My advice to you is this: You need to figure out what she likes during sex. I’m not saying you’re not good at sex. Obviously, I don’t know you. Yet, I’m guessing she isn’t coming. I’m not here to cater to your ego so, sorry not sorry.

What I am saying is that you need to figure out what HER needs are, and meet them the way you meet yours. To be blunt: a lot of you guys don’t know what the fuck you are doing. Stop whining about not getting laid and figure out how to make a woman orgasm.

Give her oral sex as much as possible and get a finger vibrator to give her clitoral stimulation during sex. If you want to get laid more, you better make sure she has a reason to want to fuck you. You feel me?

Honestly, she may just have a low sex libido and that isn’t her fault. If this is the case, and she just isn’t a sexual person, you have to be understanding. If you want to stay in the relationship, both of you need to compromise.

I can guarantee if she starts having orgasms, she’ll be more into it. She may not become some wanton sex goddess who is after the D five times a week, but she will be inclined to do something that she enjoys and that feels good for her.

Don’t try to jump the gun by trying to get her to initiate sex. Start by getting her to actually want to have sex first.

It’s super cool of you to want to make her happy and want to have sex. Everyone should work to have a mutually beneficial sex life.

XOXO Gigi

Order the book: All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.