QUESTION: What’s the asexuality spectrum? What is a “greysexual?” How do you know if you’re Ace?

The asexuality spectrum, in a nutshell:

The asexuality spectrum is defined a little differently by everyone, but the clinical understanding is that those who experience lower or no sexual desire fall on a sexual spectrum, just as people with high or medium levels of sexual desire.

On this spectrum,  Some people experience no sexual attraction, others experience a little sexual attraction, and others experience a lot of sexual attraction. Most of the time, those on this spectrum who do experience some, usually very little sexual attraction with low intensity, prefer the term "greysexual."

Abstinence or celibacy are not the same as Ace.

Abstinence and celibacy are sexual choices, not sexual identities. Both celibacy and abstinence are choices people make to not have sex. Abstinence is usually temporary, whereas celibacy usually denotes a lifestyle that doesn't involve sex. Asexual people do not experience desire (or may experience low desire), whereas abstinence or celibacy have no bearing on whether a person experiences desire - it's about behavior, not libido.

Why is the idea of asexuality so hard for people to understand?

We have a real communal need to pathologize people. We're quick to assume that someone asexual must have had bad sexual experiences, doesn't like sex, or hasn't had orgasms so they've attributed this label to themselves.

People want to fix what is different from them in order to make it make sense and fit into their worldview. This is very backward thinking. People fall on all sorts of different plains when it comes to sexual identity and it is important to be mindful of that. Asexual people do not need to be fixed. There is nothing wrong with being asexual. 

How can people determine if they fall on the ace spectrum? 

This will take a lot of internal exploration to figure out for some people. Many Ace folks end up trying to force themselves into having sex to make a partner happy or to not seem "weird" compared to other people. This can quote psychologically damaging.

The way you explore sexuality is completely up to you, but it's very important to remember that asexuality is a completely valid sexuality and we need to be mindful of that. It is not a asexual person's burden to pretend to someone they are not make other people comfortable.

XOXO Gigi

This article originally appeared as an interview with Shondaland.

Order the book: All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.