Can jealousy ever be good for a relationship?
Question: Jealousy is a big problem for me. But I’m not sure how to navigate with my partner. What should I do?
Oh, the green-eyed monster. How it sure does come to emotionally mess us up in relationships. It can often feel like something out of our control. One minute we’re feeling secure and happy, the next we see our partner chatting with someone in a bar and feel deeply insecure and worried. It can be infuriating and embarrassing.
If we want to manage jealousy, we need to work with it. It is there for a reason. Like all emotions, there are good sides and bad sides. Often we’re fed the idea that jealousy is ‘bad’ or wrong and we shouldn’t feel it — and if we do, we’re doing something wrong.
But this is not the case, folx.
Jealousy is a symptom of something else. It serves to tell us that there is a pain-point that needs addressing within relationships. Yet, we don’t talk about it when it happens. We brush it under the rug and we let it fester. The kicker? Ignoring our feelings doesn’t make them go away. We’re told to just suck it up and commit and never feel jealous but, like, good luck with that, b.
We can’t hide from jealousy if we want to learn from it and build stronger relationships. So let’s examine the monster and figure out what it is, what purpose it actually serves, and how to manage it for better, happier relationships.
What is jealousy?
Let’s talk about what jealousy actually is from a biological standpoint. Jealousy is a deep-rooted response to fear of abandonment by our social group. Human beings are inherently social creatures. We rely on connection to survive. Therefore, jealousy is an emotion that tells us: Hey, boo! There is a massive threat happening and you need to fire up real quick or you’re gonna be left behind!
It is a complex emotion that is made of a combination of other emotions. Here are some jealousy mixers (where is the orange juice and cran for the vodka when we need it)
fear
anger
sadness
anxiety
anticipatory grief
sexual arousal
guilt
shame
envy
Now, how does this serve us with romantic partners? Jealousy plays a very important role in our sexual and romantic relationships. It arises when there is a real or perceived threat to your relationship. In a jealousy triangle there are 3 players (usually): The Jealous B, the Valued Partner, and the Intercepter.
Jealousy can serve as a form of “mate-protection.” It is an adaptive response to guard what is yours if you perceive that someone or something will take it from you. It’s actually an important emotion because it motivates us to protect our social bonds.
The benefits of jealousy.
Folx, jealousy isn’t all bad. Emotions are there to aid in survival. Hamilton says that jealousy provides information that we can use. It is a part of our internal navigation system.
Jealousy is inherently internal. It is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. When we look closely at it, we can see that it is ego-driven emotions that is set off by old wounds and pains that are triggered from the past. It is a messenger — there to let us know something is being brought up within us and needs to be addressed and soothed.
Because jealousy is fear-based, we can interrogate its purpose and ask: Where is this fear coming from? Where am I feeling insecure? What is this emotion trying to signal for me?
Jealousy may be uncomfortable, but it can be used as a tool to shed light on the areas in our relationship that need a little extra attention. Instead of pushing it away, we can use it as a tool to connect more deeply with our partners and address each other’s needs in a healthy way.
Of course, this enlightenment and relationship-building aspect of jealousy can only be useful if we’re willing to accept the challenge of dealing with difficult feelings.
The downsides of jealousy in romantic partnerships.
Where things get messy is when jealousy doesn’t lead to self-questioning, but reactivity. As in, we jump on our partners and blame them for our jealousy, rather than using it to our advantage and to self-reflect. When we get swept up like this, we hinder our personal growth and that of our relationship.
In some cases, jealousy may cause someone to attempt to control their partner's behaviors in order to limit perceived threats. In these instances, jealousy can breed resentment and damage the relationship.
In extreme cases, jealousy can even cause violence within a domestic partnership.
Jealousy is an intense emotion and it can lead to the breakdown of relationships when it isn’t contained and decoded. So, we best be decoding it, right?
How to manage jealousy so you and your partner(s) can have stronger bonds and communication.
Look at the underlying relational issues.
When we use jealousy to get curious about ourselves, we can begin to see what it is trying to tell us. We can then look at what the trigger is and navigate it with our partner.
Remember, it’s a symptom, not a cause.
Use it as an opportunity to discuss relationship agreements.
Did a boundary get crossed and are we still on the same page? Is our trust shaken in a way which needs some rebuilding? If we answer ‘yes,’ we need to bring our partners into the conversation and navigate ways we can reshape our relationship and boundaries to work for everyone involved.
It can help you really get clear on boundaries. This will look different for everyone, but it can include: What constitutes cheating in your relationship, where there are or aren’t space for other partners, porn use etc.
This is an opportunity to repair and figure out what you need going forward.
Figure out a game-plan to increase relational safety.
After you’ve discussed boundaries, go a step further by figuring out what you’ll do in the future, should jealousy come up. We need to discuss our feelings and make a request for ways to experience more safety and security.
Jealousy is a fickle emotion. It is complex and often hard to figure out. With a little introspection, empathy, and a lot of communication, it can be beneficial in relationships. We just have to be willing to investigate it.