Ask Gigi: Why Do Women Fake Orgasms?
Welcome to Ask Gigi, an advice column where certified sex coach and writer, Gigi Engle, answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
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Ever since I started being sexually active I wanted to know what an orgasm felt like. I am 25 years old now and I’ve never experienced an orgasm. I have been in a few relationships and none of my ex partners were able to make me orgasm. So, I’ve been faking it. Why do women have to fake orgasms? Everywhere I look people are saying how bad it is to fake it, but what else am I supposed to do?
Thanks for writing in. Let’s talk fake orgasms.
The main reason women fake orgasms is because they think they're supposed to orgasm through penetrative intercourse. It's what you see in porn, what you see in movies, and what you're told about sex. If hard pounding and thrusting isn't doing it for you, there must be something wrong with you.
What they don't realize is only about 20% of women come this way (and the numbers might actually be quite lower than that, given that many women in that 20% are actually having their clitoris indirectly stimulated). The vast majority of women require external clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm. The clitoris is rarely engaged during intercourse. Most women have orgasms through manual or oral stimulation. The only way you figure out the clitoris is through masturbation. So, firstly, masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.
Because we live in a such a sex-negative culture, women aren't taught about their own bodies nor are we given proper agency to own our pleasure. We're expected to give way to the male ego and make sure our partner has an orgasm.
Our pleasure is seen as secondary to that of men and this needs to change.
Faking orgasms will absolutely lead to less satisfying sex in the future for several reasons. If you're with the same partner, you can wind up in a fake orgasm loop: You've faked the orgasms before and thus feel you must continue to fake them in the future. Pretty soon you lose track of the last time you even had a real orgasm but are too afraid of hurting your partner's feelings to speak up and tell them this isn't working for you. If you're having sex with new partners, you may just repeat the behavior.
Because you've never taken the initiative to speak up on your own behalf, you don't know how to tell a partner what you need. Your partner is not responsible for your orgasm, you are. If you don't tell them what you like, want, and need, how are they supposed to know? They are not a mind reader.
Additionally to all the the bullshit above, you’re doing a major disservice to women everywhere by faking orgasms with a current partner.
You might be asking: What does my faking orgasms have to do with anyone else? They ain’t in my bedroom, girl! Well, the answer is … everything. If you fake orgasms with your current partner, this person is going to go out into the world (if you break up, that is) and continue doing the wrong things in bed. Mind you, every single body is different and everyone likes different things, but if your boo thinks the clitoris is about two inches from where it actually is, they’re out here rubbing it off like they’re trying to sand down some wood, or they’ve never heard of lube - well, their next partner is going to suffer for it.
Do every other woman a favor and tell your partner what you want. Maybe that’s how we end this stupid fucking cycle of fake it > don’t say anything > keep faking it > don’t say anything: By actually speaking the fuck up and telling the people we’re fucking what we want in bed and how to touch us.
Speak. The. Fuck. Up. If your partner isn’t interested in hearing it, isn’t open to trying things that will actually make you come, or isn’t down to try - well, you should break up with them because they are a HUGE waste of time. Seriously. Tough love. You deserve to come.
I really hope this helps, babe.
Part of this article originally appeared as an interview for Elite Daily
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