Ask Gigi: Should You Schedule Sex in a Relationship?
Welcome to Ask Gigi, an advice column where certified sex coach and writer, Gigi Engle, answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
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I've had relationships where sex was never scheduled and those in which scheduling helped a great deal. In many cases, the scheduled sex turned out to be hotter.
In one relationship, I suggested scheduling sex because my partner preferred late night sex and I'm such an early bird--and both our lives were pretty packed. So we started scheduling late afternoon and early evening sex, when we both had good energy. I was really struck by the anticipation scheduling sex gave us. Knowing sex laid ahead gave us both the chance to fantasize about what was coming.
Thoughts for your consideration,
I’m all about bringing scheduled sex into the bedroom. It works and it helps intimacy for many couples!
To be pretty f*cking frank: There are too many damn couples out there in sexless relationships. When we say “sexless” we mean relationships that include no sex, of any kind, more than once or twice a year. For some couples sexless means no sex … ever.
Unless you’re asexual and in an asexual relationship, sex is a crucial part of relationships. It is the act that sets romantic relationships apart from friendships and other unromantic interpersonal dynamics. “Sex” doesn’t always mean intercourse. Sex is a large umbrella that includes everything from hand-sex, to oral-sex, to mutual masturbation, to sensual massage. However you explore and nurture intimacy is fine, but it should be given the weight it deserves.
Pretending it isn’t a “big deal” is damaging and honestly, dangerous when you’re in a relationship. Therefore, scheduling it into the docket is necessary. Yes, we’re talking about literally having a sex schedule. Here is why you should consider it (and why it’s actually super hot).
Why it works
Listen, putting “sexy time, baby!” on the google calendar may not make your clitoris buzz with excitement, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good way to make sure both you and your partner(s) are getting their needs met.
“We all live such busy lives, and when you are working a full time job or running a business and you have kids, sex and intimacy are usually the first things that fall to the wayside,” says Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist. “By scheduling it in, you're sending a message that your intimate connection is just as important as all of the other tasks you need to do.”
Now, this doesn’t come without its downsides. Rowett says that some couples can find a sex schedule stressful, like you’re putting pressure on an already emotionally fraught subject. While this is a good point, the key is to communicate and set realistic, attainable sex goals. Don’t think of it as a stress case, think of it as special time you’ve devoted to your spouse/lover/partner. Don’t we all need that?
How to bring it up with your boo (and make it sexy)
Scheduled sex is a good way to face sexless situations or a lack of intimacy in your relationship, rather than simply pretending nothing is wrong. “Sex can be a tricky subject for a couple to discuss, but it certainly doesn’t help to sweep it under the rug and ignore it,” says Caleb Backe, a certified personal trainer and health and wellness expert for Maple Holistics. “If you miss the intimacy you and your partner used to share then don’t be afraid to discuss it.”
Sit down with your partner and have an open and honest conversation. If they aren’t willing to talk about it or to stick to the plan (if you’ve made one), you may want to bring in a third party. A sex coach, sexologist, or therapist can be super helpful in these scenarios. Everyone in a relationship deserves to be sexually satisfied. Sometimes this takes compromise and a willingness to cooperate within the relationship.
You might still be on the fence and that’s understandable. Perhaps you’re thinking, “How do I make a calendar invite for sex hot? Won’t my partner be dreading it?” Nope. No. Instead of making it this drab, unspontaneous event: MAKE IT HOT.
Your sex schedule is a lot like a classic “date night.” Treat it this way! Fire up the erotic energy, building yourself up to your special time together. Make it a treat, something to look forward to.
“You could make it sexy by sticking it in your calendar and amping up the energy by sending flirty text messages or leaving little notes,” Rowett suggests. “Send each other dirty texts and sexts to get each other ready, send pictures of your lingerie or sex toys, tell your partner how much you literally can't wait to get your hands on them and how much you've missed them.”
It’s not even always about sex
One important thing to consider, and take with you into your relationship(s), is that scheduled sex certainly doesn’t always mean intercourse. “Sex is just a means to an end in a meaningful relationship, the end being a profound connection. As a result, there are plenty of other ways to utilize the time you've scheduled for sex to still achieve your ultimate goal,” says Backe. Meaning: Intimacy.
Perhaps you’re not feeling penetration on a particular day and instead just want to make out with your partner, cuddle, and talk about your day.
“Another time you may find that watching some (good) porn and masturbating together is plenty to satisfy you both. What scheduled sex is about at the core is intimacy. It’s about making time for your relationship, communicating openly about desire, and investing in your pair bond.
And don’t forget! Just because you have “sex dates” doesn’t mean you can’t have sex on other days, too. “Scheduled sex strengthens connections but, should not eliminate spontaneity. Don’t limit your relationship to the days you pick. Try it and be all in! Like anything in life, time is needed to grow and prosper,” adds Cynthia L. Dougherty, Ph.D., CEO The Greater Self and an executive mind performance coach.
However that looks to you is your choice.
Hope this helps!
This post originally appeared on Dame’s blog The Horizontal.