Ask Gigi: I'm Embarrassed By The Way I Orgasm. What Do I Do?
Welcome to Ask Gigi, an advice column where certified sex coach and writer, Gigi Engle, answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
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How can I stop myself [from] shaking like an absolute idiot every time I climax through clit stimulation? It’s very embarrassing. I think I have an overly sensitive clitoris. Help!
So, first of all: Shaking and convulsing when you have a clitoral climax is completely normal. It's nothing to be embarrassed about at all. Every single orgasm is as different as the women and vulva-owning people who have them. Clitoral stimulation is the most common way vulva-owning people have orgasms. Pretty much everyone with a clit needs it touched to come. So, you're not weird. The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and the vast, vast majority are clustered right there in the pearl-like glans.
If you're having really intense, body-quaking orgasms, that's pretty awesome. I know it can feel a little awkward or unsettling to be that out of control of your body, but it's super hot for a partner to see they've made you feel that way. And if you do it for yourself, that's dope too.
I have to wonder where the embarrassment is coming from? If someone said something about it to make you feel badly about yourself, fuck that person. Basically everyone seeks those elusive, all embodied orgasms. So, I say lean into it. Being secure and in your body is hot (and very, very normal). It might take some getting used to, but instead of trying to find a solution for that kind of intensity, try to enjoy it. Breathe into your body. Take yourself over the edge and just let go. Anyone worth your time (and who knows how sexual pleasure works) is going to think that is extremely sexy.
You're a hot woman and should never be embarrassed to show off the amazing ways your body feels pleasure. Embrace that goddess power. You deserve it. Life is too short to be beating ourselves up for having a huge orgasm.
All bodies are different and enjoy different things. What may work for one person, won’t always work for someone else. This can even happen with clitoral stimulation. While all orgasms are connected to the clit, not every clit is the same. Some people have HUGE orgasms and some people have orgasms that are more subdued. Some women have orgasms that are so minor, they don't even know they've had an orgasm.
It's necessary to understand the whole structure of the clitoris to better understand your body. The clitoris is NOT part of the vagina. It is a part of the vulva, the external part of female sexual anatomy. The "vagina" refers only to the vaginal canal. The clitoris is often thought to be the tiny, rosebud at the very top of the inner labia. While this is a part of the clitoris, the glans clitoris, the whole clit is MUCH bigger than this bitty bud. It has wing-like extensions and bulbs that reach inside the body and abdomen.
Some clits are the size of an average penis, but the average is 2.75 inches.
That's what brings me to the part of your question about being overly sensitive.
As for an overly-sensitive glans clitoris (the bud), it's different story. It's not about leaning into it, if touching your clitoris is painful or uncomfortable. If you're experiencing discomfort (like physical discomfort) you can try a few techniques for more grounded stimulation.
As opposed to light, rhythmic, or focused strokes over the clit, have your partner firmly press against the clitoris with his finger or palm. You can also do this yourself, of course.
The deeper, more forceful feeling gives your clitoris steady all-over attention as opposed to pinpoint stimulation (which is overwhelming to the point of causing discomfort).
Have your partner orbit your clitoris with his fingers, tongue or a toy. Orbiting is drawing circles around the clitoris, paying attention to the wings and avoiding the glans.
This will give you plenty of the tingling and building sensation to orgasm, without it being too acute. Have him keep the pace and slowly build to orgasm.
Who says the clit is the only thing that can get in on the action? Layering is a fabulous trick for anyone who finds their clit overly sensitive. I don’t even like the term “overly sensitive.” I want to call it “differently sensitive” instead. Let’s start a revolution.
Anyway, back to layering. Use the labia outer lips and inner lips to gently cover the clit. You literally layer the labia lips over the clitoris. This creates a barrier between a toy/fingers/tongue and the clitoris itself. For someone with a differently-sensitive clit, this is a game changer.
Hope this helps!
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