Ask Gigi: I'm Losing My Erections Mid-Sex
Welcome to Ask Gigi, an advice column where certified sex coach and writer, Gigi Engle, answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
For questions on relationships, sex, or anything else, email Gigi at email@example.com
So when my girlfriend and I get intimate I start to get turned on and get really erect. But as we get more and more into it my erection starts to go away. Like, I can’t give her my all and at the end I have to finish myself off.
Do you have any suggestions?
I get this question more than you think! Here is another piece Ask Gigi I did on the very subject! You're not alone. It's so, so normal. I promise.
I can tell you straight up: This has NOTHING to do with you, your body, or your skills in the bedroom. Nor is it a sign of your worth. I can understand the desire to "give to her hard" and all that, but it's just more of the same old cultural bullshit on what "good sex" is supposed to be.
With that said, here are some suggestions to help with this concern - as well as some important information you need to know about the so-called importance of hard dicks in this society.
Get out of your head
The first thing to do is get the hell out of your head. Your brain is the biggest sex organ you have. You're getting yourself psyched out and this only further complicates the problem. You're stuck in a negative feedback loop that is screwing you up. You think you won't get hard, so you get nervous about not getting hard, so you lose the erection. Stay in the moment. This is important for both you and your partner. Focus needs to be off the penis and into the moment and what feels good.
Have sex without the penis even involved. Use toys, your mouth, your hands. Enjoy doing it in other ways so you can see how much joy you bring your partner (and yourself) without a penis. When you do have penetrative sex, slow everything down. Focus on each individual thrust and to make sure you're mindful of your pleasure, rather than rushing to the finish line.
Try a cock-ring
A c-ring is a ring that goes around the base of the penis or over the balls and penis, sitting behind them. If you haven't gotten down with cock rings yet, you’ll definitely want to read my colorful manifesto on the topic.
They restrict blood-flow and can help you maintain longer, stronger erections.
Death grip, maybe?
Next, let's talk a little about your masturbation habits. You may be experiencing the aftermath of "death grip." This is when a man (or penis-owning person) masturbates with such a tight grip that they have trouble orgasming during penetrative sex. It can also lead to an inability to orgasm and issues maintaining erections.
This means you might be gripping your penis with your hand so tightly, that having sex with a partner (such as P in the V, oral sex etc.) can feel unexciting or under-stimulating for you. To be frank, a vagina or mouth is never going to be as tight as a hand. This is just logic. So, I would take a look at your self-love habits first. It's so much more common than you think.
Let me just say: There is nothing wrong with masturbation.
It is a healthy expression of human sexuality. Inviting a discussion of death grip into the cultural zeitgeist does not mean I'm saying you shouldn't do it. Just rethink how you're doing it. Start by taking a break, then ease back into it. Don't go straight for a tight grip. It feels awesome, but it can fuck you up in the long run. When you get back to it, start with a light touch. Will you regain sensitivity!? YES! You just need to take a break fora few weeks and monitor on porn habits. Work up to masturbation again with soft grip and so on. You just need to recalibrate your nerve endings.
Be sure you're always, always, always using lube. There's a good article on CBD lube (my favorite) in last week's weekly reads.
You don't need to have some rock hard D, yo
And let's get fucking real: It doesn't take a hard hard erection to satisfy someone in bed. We tend to put so much emphasis on erections as this endgame of sexual play, when it in no way needs to be involved for sexual satisfaction.
The vaginal canal has very few touch-sensitive nerve endings. What it does have is pressure sensitive nerve-endings, which is why penetration can feel good. The key to female orgasm is the clitoris. While the internal clitoris expands deep into the body, the clitoral glans (the bud at the top of the vulva), is where most of the nerve endings are clustered.
Most of us require clitoral stimulation with adequate foreplay in order to become aroused enough to have intercourse.
When the clitoral network is engaged, the clitoris and vulva swell, while the vagina lubricates itself. Without this foreplay, sexual intercourse can be uncomfortable or even painful.
Foreplay itself is a misnomer, as it places all of the importance on intercourse, when intercourse isn’t even a prerequisite for sexual satisfaction.
Another thing we do have to consider is communication. If you're worried about your sex life and wondering if your partner is satisfied, ask them. You have to be able to have an open discussion about sex. We have these social binaries in place wherein we think if a man can't sustain an erection for X amount of time, he's less of a man. If he isn't some sex-crazed beast all the time, reeling to go, there must be something wrong with him. This is just not the case and it leave dudes feeling super inadequate when they're actually perfectly functioning sexual humans.
I insincerely hopes this helps! Sending you lots of love!
Pre-order my book: All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.