Ask Gigi: I Can't Orgasm With My Partner
Welcome to Ask Gigi, an advice column where certified sex coach and writer, Gigi Engle, answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
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I'm in a committed and healthy relationship with my boyfriend who I love very much. He is very good at making me feel good, even the best I've ever had. However, I haven't been able to orgasm. I've had many orgasms by myself, and a few other guys (which were not because of anything special), however I really want to orgasm with my boyfriend because he makes me feel really good.
Quite a few times during sex, I have gotten the feeling I'm about to orgasm, I feel the build-up and then nothing happens and it just fizzles out for no reason. He knows exactly what I like. This has made me realise it must be a mindset. I'm very aware that I've been lead to believe that having an orgasm is like the finale of sex, and that's where sex is leading up to. I am trying to squash these thoughts.
I've also felt like there's a lot of unintended pressure from my boyfriend. We're in a long distance relationship and in the beginning of our relationship, when we were apart, he would often tell me he couldn't wait to make me come. Now that it's been so long and I haven't had an orgasm, I feel even more pressure to have one, to please him. He is now trying to help and telling me he's not trying to make me orgasm, just wanting to make me feel good. I really want to orgasm with him, it's very frustrating and unsatisfying for me.
Thanks for writing in with this one. I get this question a lot more than you’d think, with varying contexts. The pressure to orgasm is a sinister little fucker. Once it gets it’s dirty claws in, it’s hard to shake. It kind of sits with you, waiting for you to feel pleasure so it can sneak it and be like, “SURPRISE, BITCH! No ORGASM FOR YOU!”
I know you say you’ve been trying to relax and not focus on orgasm, but you’re not. And you HAVE TO because it is the only way to stop this vicious cycle. Putting pressure on yourself to orgasm is the ultimate orgasm killer.
Honestly, baby, if you don’t stop focusing on how much you want to have an orgasm, you’re never going to have one. I can promise you that. You’ve put so much pressure on yourself that your body is in a state of anxiety, a kind of flight or fight response, whenever you’re engaging in sexual play. You nervous system is tensed up and out of whack, making the conditions you need to orgasm impossible to reach.
Basically, you’re psyching yourself the fuck out. And so is your boyfriend.
Right now, you think your boyfriend is basically telling you not to worry about coming because he wants you to come. You think he wants you to come so badly that he’s now trying a tactic that should alleviate the pressure. Which, ironically, only causes more pressure. Your logical brain is saying, “Yeah right, joker! That’s going to work. I’m not going to come. Just watch.”
And then you don’t come. You’re adding to a negative feedback loop that is fucking shit up for both of you. Give your boo a little credit here, girl. If he says he just wants to make you feel good, focus on that.
Now, I appreciate that you know you’ve been conditioned to think orgasm is the “end all be all” of sex. It’s not. It’s just fucking not.
Step 1: Orgasms are straight up not the most important thing.
Orgasms are a fun byproduct of sex sometimes, but they aren’t the most important thing. They aren’t even that necessary all the time.
If you’re having them when you masturbate, that’s awesome. You’re having orgasms! Just because it doesn’t happen with a partner, doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your sex life. If you’re having pleasure and really enjoy everything he does, you’re made in the shade.
Try to think of this as two different experiences. You have pleasure and intimacy with your partner and then you have orgasms when you’re masturbating. That sounds pretty dope to me, girl.
Step 2: What are the conditions under which you experience orgasm alone?
Think about how you masturbate and the conditions you need to orgasm. Do you listen to music? Watch porn? Light candles? Take a bath before (or during)? Re-creating that scene is a great way to get comfortable enough with your partner to relax into an orgasm.
Again, if it works, great. If not, that’s great too!
Step 3: Masturbate together.
Masturbation with your partner can create all of the intimacy of partnered sex, while giving you the space to actually orgasm. Your partner can get in on the action, playing with your nipples, fingering you internally, or just kissing/licking you all over while you masturbate. Or, you can lie next to each other and wank. You can incorporate dirty talk or you can watch some porn. You could put on some music, or simply listen to each other moan. Whatever works for you.
When all is said and done, it’s about making your sex life a customizable experience. What works for you and your boyfriend is co-created by the two of you. It doesn’t matter for shit what anyone else does.
Remember, this is not about orgasms. It about pleasure and feeling intimate with your partner. If you keep putting this much pressure on the situation, you’re not going to want to fuck. It’s going to make you feel shitty and resentful. No one needs that energy in their life, you feel me?
Hope this helps!
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