Ask Gigi: There Just Isn't Enough Foreplay in My Sex Life
Welcome to Ask Gigi, an advice column where sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
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Me and my boyfriend have been seeing each other for about 5 months. He’s my first ‘proper’ boyfriend and far better in bed than any of the flings I’ve had in the past – always gives head, always experimental and trying new things, and always very concerned over whether I’m having a good time. He’s very, very lovely.
However, I’ve never come with him. About 2 months in, seeing how concerned he was over whether I was enjoying sex (which I was and still am!), I just decided to fake it – probably a bit too much, as I now fake two or three orgasms every time!
I’ve never come with another guy before, but have generally placed that down to lack of technical skill and a lack of intimacy/emotional investment on my part. I just sort of assumed that I would eventually come with this new chappy as we grew more intimate/got to know what each other liked. However, 5 months later I’m still here, only able to come with a vibrator – and a fairly powerful vibrator at that.
So I’ve got two questions:
1) Why can I only come with a vibrator? I tried masturbating before I bought a vibrator and really just didn’t get anything from it at all, fingers don’t really do anything for me. Am I doing it wrong? When he gives head it’s enjoyable but definitely nowhere near enough for me to make it to the end. Am I just really not sensitive or have I just not practiced enough/got used to the vibrator?
2) Should I tell him all this? I genuinely think he would shatter if I told him I’d been faking it this whole time as he gets so disappointed/uncertain if I don’t come as he thinks I haven’t enjoyed it.
Thanks for writing in! It does sound like you have a lovely and supportive boyfriend. I’m really happy for you! So, let’s talk about the sex stuff because we know we gotta get down and dirty with that shit.
These are totally normal and healthy concerns. So, firstly, don’t beat yourself up about it. Trust me, you will never come if you stay in this negative shame-spiral where you’re blaming yourself for having a differently wired clitoral complex.
Question 1: Why can you only come from a vibrator?
Here is the blanket truth of it: Everyone has a different body. And stimulation that might be considered “normal” for one person or lots of people isn’t always going to work for you. That is just how it is. Some people can come straight from P in the V sex because their internal clitoris is stimulated and/or their clit is so close their vaginal opening they can grind against a pubic bone to get off.
Others can only come from oral sex. Intercourse doesn’t stimulate the clitoris at all and they need to accept that this is totally fine and normal. Sex is still great without an orgasm. You only come with powerful vibration. This too is OK! I promise it’s OK. You are not the only woman who needs a powerful-ass vibrator to get off.
Orgasm happens in four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution.
It sounds like other forms of sexual touch get you to plateau, only. Again, that is not weird.
You are not giving yourself handjobs incorrectly. This may not be the kind of touch your body responds to in order to orgasm. It may feel good, but it might not be enough to get you there. Can you practice and possibly figure out how to orgasm with your hand? Yeah, anything is possible, but don’t cry over not making it happen. No one kind of pleasure is superior to any other.
The same is true with oral sex. Tongues are great and they feel delightful, but may not be enough to experience orgasm.
You cannot get addicted to vibration. This is total myth. In your case, vibration is essential to having orgasms. So, god bless the vibrator! Don’t be ashamed of this. You know what you need in order to come and that is a beautiful thing.
The problem: YOU HAVE TO STOP FAKING ORGASMS SO …
Question 2: Should you tell your boyfriend?
I wish I could be like, “Meh. You don’t have to,” but that would be a lie. You have to tell him. Sit him down and have an open and honest conversation about everything you’ve been feeling. Tell him about how it’s been in the past. This isn’t his fault and it isn’t your fault.
Tell him the truth about WHY you’ve been faking it: To make him feel good about himself, but also to make YOU feel good about yourself.
We put so much pressure on orgasm as the climax of sex. If we can’t get there – we see ourselves as failures, inadequate partners, and all around losers.
This is completely unfair. I mean, whoever came while they were telling themselves they suck at sex? Approximately zero people. Be empathetic, but ask your partner to do the same. You’re not faking because he’s bad at sex – you’re faking because you haven’t been honest about what you need.
A VIBRATOR DURING SEX.
Be open about how your body works. These are just the facts. If you want to come and your partner wants you to come – This is the answer right here: You have to bring a vibrator INTO the bedroom. If this guy is as kind and genuine as he sounds – he’ll be open to this idea. Sex toys are not replacements for dick. They are not replacements for any other sexual acts. They are enhancements. They have been created, manufactured, and sold to you to make you come.
I know you need something super powerful, but start with a simpler, smaller vibe as an introduction. You can move to other, more advanced toys down the line. I’m in love with Fin from Dame Productsand the Vesper from CraveYUKI from Tenga. These two might be small, but they pack a serious punch.
Experiment with what works for you. You and your partner need to give yourself permission to find your own “way.” I personally wouldn’t be caught dead having sex without a vibrator. Like, am I trying to come or what? I need it as an assisting hand and I’m not DTF someone who isn’t going to let me have what I need.
Go forth and do your thing. I hope this helps!
Sending love and good vibes (literally) your way.
This column originally appeared on Your Sexual PSA, where Gigi is the resident sexuality educator.