Ask Gigi: My Partner Won't Go Down On Me
Welcome to Ask Gigi, an advice column where sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
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Dear Auntie G,
I’m 27 years old and I’ve been dating this guy for a couple of months now. I really like him, but I’m starting to wonder where this is going.
He only ever wants to hang out one or two times per week. If I text him or Snapchat him to hang out any other time, he doesn’t respond. Then, he’ll hit me up on his timetable like nothing ever happened.
On top of that, he doesn’t go down on me. He’s gone down there one or two times max in the whole time we’ve been seeing each other. Meanwhile, I go down on him all time. I really don’t know what to do. I’m tired of this and I don’t know how to tell him I need more from the relationship.
Thanks for writing in, boo. Let’s get real about this, sound good?
I know you want to find a solution for this issue, but the only answer is to dump this guy and go find someone who doesn’t treat you like you’re his Plan B. Instead of thinking about what you can do to get him to see that you need more from the relationship, think about why you’re in this relationship at all. I don’t even know if I’d call what you described in your letter as a relationship. It sounds more like a hookup, sidechick situation.
Oh, the prolific f*ckboy. What a conundrum. We always believe that he’s going to come around. We are entranced by his unavailability and believe in our heart of hearts that he’s going to come around and be the guy we want him to be.
I’m going to give it to you straight here. This guy isn’t into you. I mean, he is into you in that he sees this hookup situation as convenient, but he isn’t into committing to you.
What really irks me about this situation is the cunnilingus aspect. It’s completely unfair for him to expect you to give him blowjobs and meanwhile, he doesn’t return the favor. Obviously I don’t know if he’s asking for the blowjobs or you’re giving them to him on your own accord, but if it’s the former, he’s screwing up. If you’re giving him blowjobs enthusiastically and aren’t asking him to return the favor, that’s on both of you. You should be asking for what you want and he should be generous enough to give it you.
Women are already made to feel self-conscious about our bodies. From tampon advertisements to Brazilian waxing, every message we get is designed to exploit our insecurities about our vaginas and vulvae. I can’t tell you how many readers have told me they feel self-conscious about the way they smell and taste down there. Dating a guy who doesn’t want to go down there only confirms the suspicions you might already have.
More than that, this whole no-going-down-town thing demonstrates the lopsided power dynamics in the relationship. He ignores you until he wants to hang out. The minute he calls, you come running.
You need to dump this guy and take a look in the mirror, babe. Why are you letting someone treat you this way? Why do you think it’s OK to be treated like that? No judgement. I’m seriously asking. Pose these questions to yourself.
My guess would be that you don’t have a lot of self-love going on right now. You don’t deserve to sit around and wait for a guy to validate your worthiness, whether it be hanging out, having sex, or getting some oral sex.
I know you aren’t in a place yet to let this go. I get it. The heart is a tricky, finicky thing. It wants what it wants. When you’re ready to leave this dillhole and move on to greener, nicer, (and frankly, wetter) pastures, just know that you are a radiant being who deserves all the love and respect in the world.
Hope this helps!
Xoxo Auntie Gigi