Ask Gigi: I Was Rejected for Sex. Is That Normal?
Welcome to Ask Gigi, a bi-monthly column on Hinge, in which sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
For questions on relationships, sex, or anything else, email Gigi at firstname.lastname@example.org
I've been seeing a guy for about three months and it's been going really well. This morning when we woke up, I tried to initiate sex and he wasn't into it. I felt really rejected and the entire situation made me feel incredibly insecure, like he wasn't attracted to me, or was annoyed with me. Any thoughts on this? Am I overreacting?
Great question. Let’s see if we can delve into why you were feeling insecure about this awk AF situation, and lay it all out in the open where it can breathe.
I think we should start by acknowledging that we all have insecurities, especially when it comes to sex. We can all say we’re perfectly well-rounded and confident, but no one has it together that well. You’re not in this alone. We all freak out. We can’t all be Kate Upton -- even though I’m quite confident she also has insecurities.
It’s OK to feel awkward and vulnerable. Own those feelings instead of bottling them up. It sucks to get rejected for sex. It’s an especially sensitive position to be in -- you’re naked and putting yourself out there; getting rejected feels like your partner is saying, “I don’t think you’re sexy. You don’t look good naked. I’m not into you.”
This is simply not the case. Your partner definitely didn’t pass up sex because he wasn’t into you. In fact, if he became a bit defensive about not wanting have sex, that is his own insecurities showing through.
Men and women are told two very different, but equally messed up things about their sexuality: Men are told that they are supposed to be these sex-crazed creatures who want to put their penises in absolutely everything and perform like porn stars with 12 inch willies. Women are told that they should have no sex drive at all, and are in charge of keeping that rambunctious, insatiable male libido in check.
This is so wrong on so many levels, but it is why women get insecure when men don’t feel like having sex, and why men get defensive when women want sex when they don’t.
Here is the thing, your man is not going to be in the mood for sex every single time. This is a ridiculous expectation. It is perfectly normal for women to have higher libios than their partners or visa versa. My boyfriend wants to have sex way less often than I do, but we make it work (hello, vibrators de jour).
In a perfect world, we’d all have matching libidos and do each other five times a day without breaking a sweat, but that is not reality. We get stressed at work, miss out on sleep, have a bad day, or just generally feel like garbage. These things to not make us feel sexy. And that is completely OK.
So, to sum it up: No, you’re not crazy for feeling this way because it has been drilled into your brain that men are sex-obsessed animals, to your gentlelady demeanor since you were a child. But yes, you are overreacting because your boyfriend did not mean to hurt you.
He did not say no to sex because he isn’t into you anymore. He just wasn't in the mood. Sex is fabulous, but sometimes you just don’t feel like it. I know it’s hard not to take it personally, but it is NOT personal.
You are a sexy mama and I’m about 103% sure your man is all about you. Hence why things were going so well for three months prior to this incident. Don’t let your overactive mind and rambling thoughts poison the whole relationship.
Have an honest and open conversation about where you’re coming from. Tell your partner that you know this likely stems from your own insecurities, but you can’t help feeling crappy about it. If your new boo is worth keeping around, he will have no trouble reassuring you that you are a hot piece of ass.
If he acts like a dick about it, he probably isn’t even worth your time. Being in a relationship means lifting each other up and reminding each other how sexy we are when we need the confidence boost, ya hear?
Love your favorite internet auntie,
This column first appeared on Hinge's IRL