Ask Gigi: I Don't Love Intercourse. Am I Weird?
Welcome to Ask Gigi, an advice column where sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
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My question is regarding different sex positions and my struggle to find pleasure in any position that is not the missionary. I have been having sex for a little over a year now (my boyfriend has been my only partner) and anytime we are exploring different positions I feel like he is in my bladder and it is quite painful, not AT ALL pleasurable.
If we are in missionary position, it feels good however I lose all satisfying sensation when we move around to anything different. We have tried different angles and have recently started having oral sex (which I have not yet felt much pleasure from either). I have been very reserved however I am open in exploring suggestions to improve my sex live for myself and my partner.
My boyfriend and I are also looking to buy my first vibrator… any favorites?
I don’t have people in my life to talk to about this and truly appreciate your expert advice!
Aside from letting loose and surrendering, I don’t know!!…Help me , Please?
Happy to help out help! You’re certainly not the only woman (sexually experienced or otherwise) to complain of pain during sex.
When the vaginal canal is properly aroused, is expands and lubricates. If your arousal level is not where it needs to be before intercourse, it will be painful! It sounds very much like you’re not getting aroused to a point where intercourse would be comfortable for you. For most women, it helps to have an orgasm before you engage in intercourse.
Yes, you heard that correctly. Don’t have sex without having an orgasm first.
This means having your partner properly warm you up with either his mouth, fingers, or a toy. You can also touch yourself while he watches or stimulates another part of your body. If you find it’s easiest to have an orgasm when you touch yourself, start there. Have him massage your breasts, nipples, inner thighs, etc. You can make out while you’re touching yourself as well. He can be a part of the action, even if he’s not touching your clitoris.
Pay attention to your arousal levels. If you’re not feeling SUPER turned on, don’t try penetration yet. And don’t forget to use lots and lots and lots of lube no matter what. Never fuck without lube. Seriously.
I’d like to say this: Sex is not just about fucking. That is a myth. We will get more into that below.
You say you just started having oral sex. It sounds like your partner could use some tips, so definitely read this and this. If you’re not feeling sensation or pleasure from oral sex, it’s likely because you both haven’t found a type of stimulus that works for you and are uncomfortable.
When you’re just beginning down a new sexual terrain, it’s hard to lean into the open mindedness and sexual confidence needed to truly enjoy pleasure. I’d like you to read this piece on the brain and arousal. I think it will shed some light on your subconscious hang-ups. Your brain has a lot of power when it comes to orgasm. Your reservations about sexuality, however open as you may try to be now, are affecting your ability to relax enough to feel clitoral sensation.
Back to intercourse and the myths surrounding it. We have this screwed up view in society of what constitutes the normal social-sexual script. Foreplay for a little bit, intercourse, the man has an orgasm, and sex ends.
This is completely inaccurate and it negates female pleasure. The truth is, most women don’t orgasm during intercourse. 75-80 percent of women need the external clitoral glans stimulated in order to have sex. This is why you like missionary. It’s not because your boyfriend’s dick is doing some magical shit to your body; it’s because you’re able to grind your clitoris against his pubic area. Missionary happens to be my personal favorite position for this exact reason. It’s called the “Coital Alignment Technique.” Your clitoris aligns with his pubic bone and it feels good.
I hope this sheds a bit of light on what is currently happening with your body. I know it can feel very frustrating to want to be orgasmic during intercourse and not be able to feel anything. There are very few nerve endings in the vagina. If there were, how would you be able to give birth without dying from the pain, you know? There is the G-spot, but a penis can rarely reach it during intercourse, unless is happens to curve upward like a G-spot wand!
The G-spot is not a spot as much as it is an area. It is located internally, behind the pubic bone. It’s much easier to stimulate with a toy or fingers than a human penis. And not every woman even enjoys having this area touched! Every woman’s body is different! Every guy’s body too.
Watch this video to learn about the G-spot because every woman should know her own anatomy and stop feeling shitty about her body when it behaves in a perfectly normal fashion:
I’m so excited you and your partner are looking to buy a vibrator! That is amazing news. Many women don’t experience their first real orgasms until they have vibration, so this will open up a whole new world for you.
Since you’re a beginner, don’t buy a scary dildo-looking toy. It might overwhelm you and could potentially freak your partner out. It sounds like he’s a pretty chill dude so, I’m not too worried, but all the same it’s probably best to stick with a couple simple toys before moving into anything advanced.
Get yourself a pocket-vibe like the Lelo Mia 2 or the Fin from Dame Products. Both of these toys are small, simple to use, and quite powerful. You can use the code Gigi20 for 20 percent off in our store. Always a bonus!
Try using the toy on yourself first. I’d suggest doing so alone. Don’t forget lube. You want to figure out what works for you and what gives you pleasure. This can be difficult with a partner present. When we have the person we love in the room, we can feel pressured to have an orgasm. And pressure in any form does not an orgasm make. Even if he’s a super supportive person, start alone and then bring him in once you know how to make yourself come.
Don’t be afraid to use the vibrator during intercourse. This will help stimulate the clitoral glans and make it easier for you to feel pleasure during sex. You can use it on your own clit, or have your partner use it on you.
With any luck, this advice will be what you need for more satisfying sex overall, in all its beautiful forms.
This column originally appeared on Your Sexual PSA, where Gigi is the resident sexuality educator.