Welcome to Ask Gigi, an advice column where sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
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Let me start with it’s great seeing women open about their sexuality… thanks for helping the rest of us that are awkward potatoes.
Anyways, so whenever my boyfriend and I are having sex, I can never be on top, it won’t go in and when it occasionally does, it doesn’t stay. Every other position we’ve tried works, just not when he wants me to ride.
Please help. Any suggestions or position ideas would be great. I want our sexual relationship to be equally pleasing and I feel like I’m not doing my part!
Thanks for writing in. I always love a good question about cowgirl. I have a love/hate relationship with the cowgirl position that has fostered expert personal expertise on making it as easy and pleasurable as possible. You certainly came to the right place.
So, let’s get down and dirtyyyy.
The cowgirl position is low-key polarizing. Women are either gung-ho obsessed or would rather do almost any other sex position in the handbook. It’s great that you’re looking for ways to make it simpler for you and your partner. What your describing here is an issue I see a lot.
I’m wondering how much bouncing up and down you’re doing here? Many times when a woman is on top, the person underneath wants us to bounce up and down. This gives them the same “in and out” sensation they have with other positions. There are a couple of issues with this style that can make cowgirl uncomfortable or hard to pull off. If you’re really going for it, ie: bouncing very rapidly and/or going as high up on your knees as you can, you can wind up with slippage. This is especially common when a partner’s penis is of average size, but can happen with anyone.
This is a normal dilemma. The head of penis gets too close to the vaginal opening and when you come back down, it doesn’t align properly. I would suggest not bouncing at all. Instead, go for a true cowgirl style and slide your hips back and forth.
Your partner may grab your hips and want you to bounce, so have a conversation about how this isn’t working for you – and how you’ve prefer to rock instead. Communication is key. Always.
You’ll find that altering this position will be much more pleasurable for you as well. When you rock rather than bounce, you can grind your clitoris on the shaft of your partner’s penis, giving you a better chance to orgasm.
You’ll also free yourself up from the truly exhausting cardio workout that is the bouncing motion. Hello, thigh burn.
Have you considered a cock ring? These toys are a true game changer. You slip it on the base of your partner’s shaft. Don’t forget lube! The ring works by restricting blood flow for stronger, longer erections. It will turn his dick into a vibrator. You’ll be a convert in no time, trust me. If you’re in need of suggestions (aren’t we all?), I’m obsessed with the Pivot. It has a raised head that vibrates. You get vaginal and clitoral vibration all at once. It’s like a dream come true.
As far as getting a penis inside of you in the first place, take it slowly. Don’t rush things. You need to climb up there and use your hand to place it yourself. Tell your partner to relax and lay back while you find your stride. Being on top is a good opportunity for you to find your groove and be in control. Take a deep breath and be patient. Like everything with sex, it takes patience.
Some more tips:
Try leaning forward so your elbows are on either side of his head. You’ll have more control this way. Another alteration you can try is to have sex on the couch with your partner sitting up. You’ll have less space for slippage and can rock over a smaller surface area. Plus, he has access to your breasts – which is the best, obvs.
At this point in your sex life, you’ve likely stressed yourself out so much about making cowgirl work that you’ve complicated it further. Many sexual concerns and roadblocks are based in the psychological. If we give something a go and it doesn’t work, we convince ourselves it won’t. This increases anxiety and, therefore, the likeliness that it won’t work. What a tangled web we weave.
Breathe into it. You have so many other positions to work with. Don’t flip out if this one takes some time to lock down. In the end, if it doesn’t happen for you, it is NOT the end of the world. Some positions don’t work for some couples. This is completely OK. If everything worked for every body, life (and sex) would be pretty boring and vanilla.
I hope these suggestions help! Sending you the best of vibes.
This column originally appeared on Your Sexual PSA, where Gigi is the resident sexuality educator.