Ask Gigi: How Do I Show My Partner I Care About Their Pleasure?
Welcome to Ask Gigi, an advice column where certified sex coach and writer, Gigi Engle, answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
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My girlfriend is having issues orgasming. She says it seems like I don’t care about her pleasure during sex. I do though! I’m super into her and her body. What are some behaviors that can show that I care about her pleasure in bed? Any ideas would be super helpful.
Thanks for writing in. I totally get where you’re coming from. Showing your partner that you’re into her pleasure is super important. The fact that she’s nervous and is having some trouble with orgasms is a normal thing.
You should get off on your your partner getting off. Sex is a partnered activity and seeing your partner enjoying themselves and receiving pleasure can be just as hot as feeling pleasure yourself. It's both and ego boost and a tangible way to see that your partner is into you and loves what you're doing to their body. No one wants to be in a sexual situation where their partner is lying there, making no noise, like a bored starfish. Sex should be a mutually pleasurable experience. Being turned on by your partner getting off shows that you're sexually compatible and that you care about their pleasure as much as your own.
Behaviors that show someone cares about their partner's pleasure are actions that focus on their partner, rather than themselves. Top amongst these behaviors are open communication, oral sex and attention the clitoris during intercourse, for the partners of vulva-owning people.
Ask your partner what they like, how they like to be touched, and what you can do to make their pleasure a priority. If they're shy or aren't sure - be willing to explore and try things. Come to sex with enthusiasm and curiosity. Showing your partner you genuinely care about their pleasure is a huge tell that you're a good lover.
The average vulva-owner takes 20-30 minutes to be prepared for penetrative sex and to experience orgasm.
A partner staying between their partner's legs for as long as they need, and doing so super enthusiastically makes big difference for a good sexual experience. Enthusiastic means telling your partner how much you love being down there, how hot they are, and how giving them pleasure is something YOU enjoy.
During intercourse, bringing in sex toys is a big plus. It shows that you understand that the clitoris is the center of female pleasure. 80-90 percent of vulva-owning people require external clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. Bringing in a small-finger vibe or wand shows that you know what it takes to give pleasure to a vulva-owner's body.
It’s important that partners tell each other what they want. Your partner is not a mind reader. Every single vulva is different. Every single body is different and enjoys different kinds of stimulation.
If you don't ask for what you want, you'll probably wind up disappointed.
Don't be afraid to communicate your needs. If your partner is defensive and makes you feel bad for asking for what you know gives you pleasure, that is a huge red flag.
Sexual pleasure does not always mean orgasm. Pleasure is a great thing in an of itself. Instead of focusing on orgasm, focus on the journey of pleasure. A lot of the time, orgasm eludes us because we're so focused on having an orgasm that we get nervous and anxious, which ironically impedes orgasm. It's a negative feedback loop that happens more than you think. Once you take the pressure off of orgasm, you'll have more orgasms. Pleasure is what's important, not orgasms. Take some deep breaths, relax, and enjoy the many ways your body can experience pleasure.
Part of this Ask Gigi originally appeared as an interview for Elite Daily
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